September 4th 2016
Please don't read if you have any visual experience with suicide as this will be a trigger. If it is a trigger please don't hesitate to contact myself or one of the team @ SAPUK;
Now lets roll it back....
It was the 4th anniversary of Bryan's passing this year September 4th 2020, and I managed to make it up Mount Malaga! Oh, it was amazing, I tend to climb a mountain every year, I think it must be a sense of feeling accomplished rather than I had failed, like it taunted me back in 2016.
Back in 2016 life was somewhat stressful as it can be when there is so much going on around you at once...
“My body went into complete shock as i tried to come to terms with what had just happened.”
I think we take life for granted, we take our happy moments for granted for sure. It can be taken away so quickly - in a blink of an eye.
I do not remember much of what life was before Bryan took his own life, I presume the trauma must have clouded my memory... I remember being tired... My mind is blank up until September 4th, 2016 18.11pm... when I received a message from Bryan "Tell your mum I love her im sorry I can’t do this anymore". I messaged him back with " Bryan have a coffee, it is going to be fine, get some sleep - ... ". He never responded.
Bryan was such a caring a loving man, he devoted himself to my mother Nancy, whom of which devoted herself too (and still does), he was loved so much by us all, especially my son whom he shared an unbelievable bond with. He was known for his kind heart and would spread his warm heart with anyone who needed it. Over time his mental health declined and with my mum being away for some time, he lost his way, succumbed to depression. I didn’t see the signs, because I didn’t know them, which is why it is so important we are educated to understand the signs before it comes to late, as it did with Bryan.
When I received that message I knew something was not right, I felt sick and my gut feeling was telling me. We had to go, and we had to go quickly was all I remember thinking.
I only lived around the corner, so it was a few minutes’ drive, we drove quickly, I remember being frantic as the worst scenarios spun through my head, but what I saw was never what I pictured, it was much worse. We had a key to get in, but Bryan knew that, so he locked the inside door... (I am touching wounds whilst I write this, so I shed a tear for you Bryan).
We shouted through the inside letterbox numerous times, we had no answer banging but still we heard nothing, we knew he was in we could see the keys through the glass pane, so we had no choice other than to break the glass to unlock the door. Once we were in we ran through, I ran in to the backroom expecting to see him sat on his computer chair and another ran upstairs, but he was not in either so I carried on through to the kitchen and I saw him in the porch. I screamed.
(I am sorry Bryan)
And he was just there, with ladders beneath him and a wire around his neck, leant with too much pressure to disallow him from breath. We stood in shock for a few moments until we got him down and performed CPR whilst I was on the phone to the ambulance, we tried so hard to bring him back, I knew he was already gone, I could see the void in his eyes of no return. When they came, I remember two ambulances coming, I knew a paramedic, I just fell in her arms, she cried for with me too, I will never forget the comfort of that hug, I really needed that. I watched them try and revive him too, again stood in complete shock as they quickly removed his top layers, injected adrenaline and then sent electric pulses through his body in order to revive him. I left the house once they confirmed he was gone. I had to make the call to his family, I still remember the screams as I heard her frantically running and out of breath as she struggled to accept what I was saying like it was some form of dream, I wish it were. We went home a couple of hours after the event, and people came round to support us, but I barely spoke, my body went into complete shock as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened. I led awake all night, with no thought process, I just led there as the hours passed and daylight began.
Imprinted in my mind.
“He shed one tear and i will never forget that, sadness got a hold of him.”
In the upcoming weeks, I tried to keep life as normal as possible (this is the denial stage), I went to work the next day?! But given I had appointments and a shop to open I did not really have a choice. I had a son who was 3 and a family to withhold, I had been brought up to withstand battles, I had to keep it up. But every night I saw Bryan and every night it brought me pain, I replayed it over and over, he shed one tear and I will never forget that sadness got a hold of him. I was wondering what I could have done differently, noticing the signs, seeing them so clearly, but I did not have the knowledge on how to act upon them. I did not for a second ever believe he would take his life. I did not think he would leave us let alone Luca... but he did. I know that if I would have known what I know today I could have saved him, I would of. Forever will he be imprinted in my mind. SAPUK's centre.
The months after Bryan passed the pillars started to decrease slowly, I had to close my shop because I couldn’t focus enough to keep up with demand of clientele, my relationship quickly broke down because we became subconsciously caged with the huge amount of pressure to withstand the storms of what had become, I clung with desperation to these falling pillars, and what became of me what a fraction of who I was, I became so depressed that I put myself in hospital. My head was chaotic, I did not know what to do, I did not know how to vent this pain, with nowhere to turn - I kept everything inside, but this is how and how I always will heal. I regenerate in darkness and silence, sleeping most of it away, but I did not get much of that with having a child, so recovery was slow. I think that when your mind is mentally challenged, and it does not get a rest it can send all sorts of negative signals throughout the body.
I started to read quotes, and sharing them to SAPUK's Facebook page, daily as I cleansed and tried to heal. 136 nights it took me to stop replaying the event, I did not sleep well and began to hallucinate. I could not focus on anything else; my mind did not understand so I had to subconsciously focus on it to be able to figure it out and then with time it would pass. I put all my time into building the foundations of myself again. Over time and as the years have passed, I would say I have majority healed, but I will never forget as it is such a demanding memory - and reliving it will always break my heart.
Please do not put any pressure on healing. Time heals.
My next blog will be released soon, and It will be about how I have self-healed, i hope it can help you in some way.